mrturophile

In all fairness, we’re at most the fourth worst parents ever.

The reviews are in. They’re not good. The wife and I have been judged. Judgment may be blind (with rage) but it is also harsh: We’re the worst parents. Ever.

I beg to differ.

At most, we’re the fourth worst parents ever. Not THE worst. Certainly not. Here are three sets of worse parents.

1 George & Winifred Banks

Here’s how Disney characterizes George Banks, “ Mr. Banks is a disciplined, no-nonsense man who doesn’t understand the benefit of ‘fun’ until Mary floats in.”

In other words, a stick-up-his ass nightmare. He gets it removed because some even more uppity, disciplined, no-nonsense woman floats in to the household to take over the rearing of adorable ragamuffin children, Jane & Michael? Poppycock. In short order, Mary Poppins declares herself “practically perfect in every way.” Who leaves their children in the care of a delusional narcissist? Terrible parents, that’s who.

Poppins the nanny then gets to cheat her way to converting the ragamuffins into ship-shape model children by using magic. Magic! That’s what it takes.

These kids are so wrecked by an emotionally absent father and a mentally absent mother that it takes magical guidance to undo the knots their little minds have been pretzeled into? That’s bad. Mary has no time to build up these kids via traditional methods. She skips right ahead to magically tidying up their room without even so much as bending over to pick up a scarf.

It wasn’t even that simple. It took kindly, fun-loving, humble, jack-of-all-trades renaissance man Bert to remove the stick from Mary’s ass, so that collectively they could remove the stick from George’s ass by the end of the story.

And what about Winifred Banks? Is there anyone in the Banks household that doesn’t have to be paid to be there? Major red flag. Is Winifred mentally even all there?

Winifred is so enamored with her suffragette movement, she cannot be bothered to, you know, be a parent. She fancies herself as a leader for women’s causes and can marshal the paid help to march behind her, but couldn’t she just as well offer a little bit of nurturing guidance to her offspring?

Assuming they are her offspring, of course. She looks like a classic second or third wife — younger and out of George’s league, not at all capable/interested in being an active mother, and easily distracted with her own career ambitions. This is a complicated household. And Jane & Michael are suffering because of it.

And it needs to be said that George wears ties and ascots inside the house. Who does that? George is obviously a bit impressed with himself. Lacking in self-reflection. You know who isn’t lacking in self-reflection? Parents who are told by their eight-year-old daughter that they’re the worst. Of all time.

At least we’ve got that going for us. We’re better than George & Winifred Banks.

Read about the two other worst parents ever in my ongoing rebuttal.