mrturophile

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Who knew the Mueller Report wouldn’t indict Donald Trump?

Posted by mrturophile on March 23, 2019
Posted in: humor, Writing. Tagged: Donald Trump, John McCain, Politics, satire. Leave a comment

John McCain, that’s who. He’s got the inside track with God now.

Trump-mouth-no-bg-triple

Read: John McCain’s posthumous ‘thank you’ to Donald Trump for granting his funeral, in The Hit Job.

 

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You’re the worst parents ever: A rebuttal

Posted by mrturophile on March 23, 2018
Posted in: family, humor, Writing. Tagged: daughters, family, kids, satire. 1 Comment

In all fairness, we’re at most the fourth worst parents ever.

scream-girl-tongue-bw-red-eyes

The reviews are in. They’re not good. The wife and I have been judged. Judgment may be blind (with rage) but it is also harsh: We’re the worst parents. Ever.

I beg to differ.

At most, we’re the fourth worst parents ever. Not THE worst. Certainly not. Here are three sets of worse parents.

1 George & Winifred Banks

Here’s how Disney characterizes George Banks, “ Mr. Banks is a disciplined, no-nonsense man who doesn’t understand the benefit of ‘fun’ until Mary floats in.”

In other words, a stick-up-his ass nightmare. He gets it removed because some even more uppity, disciplined, no-nonsense woman floats in to the household to take over the rearing of adorable ragamuffin children, Jane & Michael? Poppycock. In short order, Mary Poppins declares herself “practically perfect in every way.” Who leaves their children in the care of a delusional narcissist? Terrible parents, that’s who.

Poppins the nanny then gets to cheat her way to converting the ragamuffins into ship-shape model children by using magic. Magic! That’s what it takes.

These kids are so wrecked by an emotionally absent father and a mentally absent mother that it takes magical guidance to undo the knots their little minds have been pretzeled into? That’s bad. Mary has no time to build up these kids via traditional methods. She skips right ahead to magically tidying up their room without even so much as bending over to pick up a scarf.

It wasn’t even that simple. It took kindly, fun-loving, humble, jack-of-all-trades renaissance man Bert to remove the stick from Mary’s ass, so that collectively they could remove the stick from George’s ass by the end of the story.

And what about Winifred Banks? Is there anyone in the Banks household that doesn’t have to be paid to be there? Major red flag. Is Winifred mentally even all there?

Winifred is so enamored with her suffragette movement, she cannot be bothered to, you know, be a parent. She fancies herself as a leader for women’s causes and can marshal the paid help to march behind her, but couldn’t she just as well offer a little bit of nurturing guidance to her offspring?

Assuming they are her offspring, of course. She looks like a classic second or third wife — younger and out of George’s league, not at all capable/interested in being an active mother, and easily distracted with her own career ambitions. This is a complicated household. And Jane & Michael are suffering because of it.

And it needs to be said that George wears ties and ascots inside the house. Who does that? George is obviously a bit impressed with himself. Lacking in self-reflection. You know who isn’t lacking in self-reflection? Parents who are told by their eight-year-old daughter that they’re the worst. Of all time.

At least we’ve got that going for us. We’re better than George & Winifred Banks.

Read about the two other worst parents ever in my ongoing rebuttal.

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I can’t believe Cambridge Analytica didn’t find me interesting enough to manipulate

Posted by mrturophile on March 22, 2018
Posted in: humor, Writing. Tagged: Cambridge Analytica, data, Facebook, humor. Leave a comment

No manipulation here. Nope.

cambridge-analytica-gettyimages-935015064-1521565330

I don’t like to brag. But on my Facebook account I have more than 10 followers. That’s double digits. Comfortably. Easily.

Should be catnip to data miners.

I mean, I was totally up for grabs. And yet, even though Donald Trump’s presidential campaign hired American data-analysis firm Cambridge Analytica … to gather data from over 50 million Facebook profiles to predict the behavior of American voters, according to investigations by The New York Times and The Guardian, I wasn’t one of them. I was totally left alone.

Huh. I would have thought that my long-held, liberal, lefty, anti-asshat leanings would have been ripe for their targeting, given my large Facebook following. My “psychographic profile” should have risen to the top of their hit list. They’d want to flip me good and fast.

But no. I remain as unchanged, unaffected by psychological manipulation as any one man can be.

Read just how little influence Cambridge Analytica has over my psychographic profile. I’m incorruptible.

alexander_nix_red-jail-bars

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Seahawks at Rams — another Seahawks slow start will spoil this NFC West matchup

Posted by mrturophile on October 6, 2017
Posted in: Sports, Writing. Tagged: Los Angeles Rams, NFL, Russell Wilson, Seahawks, The Hit Job, Todd Gurley. Leave a comment

The Seattle Seahawks will travel to Los Angeles to take on the NFC West Division-leading Rams. This one could be over by halftime, folks. On the other hand, it may just be getting started then. The Seahawks, who have rarely been able to solve the sub-.500 rams since 2014, are now tasked with trying to take back the division from the new NFC West kings — and the NFL’s highest scoring offense.

​Read about it in The Hit Job, NBC Sports Northwest, Oregon Sports News, the Seattle PI and Yardbarker.

Todd-Gurley-coloredblue

Julian Rogers is a freelance writer, communications consultant and owner of Juju Eye Communications. Follow him on Twitter (@thejujueye), read his publication The Hit Job, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

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The 49ers at the Seahawks is a battle of very offensive lines

Posted by mrturophile on September 16, 2017
Posted in: Sports, Writing. Tagged: NFL, Oregon Sports News, Russell Wilson, San Francisco 49ers, Seahawks, Seattle PI, The Hit Job, yardbarker. Leave a comment

Emphasis on ‘offensive’ — Is there a worse offensive line in the 2017 NFL? Which team did you think I was referring to — the Seattle Seahawks or the San Francisco 49ers? Whichever one you thought, you were correct.

​Read it in The Hit Job, the Seattle PI, Yardbarker or Oregon Sports News. 

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Julian Rogers is a freelance writer, communications consultant and owner of Juju Eye Communications. Follow him on Twitter (@thejujueye), read his publication The Hit Job, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

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The Seahawks’ new & improved offensive line isn’t — and other things the 12s should worry about

Posted by mrturophile on September 12, 2017
Posted in: Sports, Writing. Tagged: aaron rodgers, Green Bay Packers, Oregon Sports News, Russell Wilson, Seahawks, Seattle PI, The Hit Job. Leave a comment

On Sunday, Sept. 10 2017, Seahawks trotted out all the old showstoppers in one sour song, losing 17–9 to the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field. 

Can the Seattle Seahawks bounce back in week two and plot a course for the playoffs? Not if they don’t fix the problems that doomed them in week one against the Green Bay Packers. Read it in The Hit Job, the Seattle PI, Oregon Sports News or Yardbarker.

mike-daniels-sacks-russell-wilson-fumble-170910-blue

Julian Rogers is a freelance writer, communications consultant and owner of Juju Eye Communications. Follow him on Twitter (@thejujueye), read his publication The Hit Job, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

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A warning to Packers fans regarding Michael Bennett: Don’t be that guy

Posted by mrturophile on September 7, 2017
Posted in: culture, Sports, The sporting life. Tagged: Green Bay Packers, Michael Bennett, NFL, protest, Racism, Seahawks. Leave a comment

With the news still swirling around Michael Bennett’s encounter with the Las Vegas Police Department late last month, tensions and opinions are high. That means when Bennett’s Seattle Seahawks come to play at Lambeau Field in Green Bay on Sunday, September 10 to open the 2017 NFL season, all eyes will be on Packers fans to see how they behave.

Read about it in The Hit Job.

michael-bennett-american-flag-dirty

Julian Rogers is a freelance writer, communications consultant and owner of Juju Eye Communications. Follow him on Twitter (@thejujueye), read his publication The Hit Job, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

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Politics & the NFL — a match made in now & forever

Posted by mrturophile on August 23, 2017
Posted in: Sports, Writing. Tagged: NFL, Politics, protest, social change, woke. Leave a comment

The times, they are a-changing for NFL thought leaders, players & fans. This is only the beginning. Read it in The Hit Job.

Bennett-Britt

Julian Rogers is a freelance writer, communications consultant and owner of Juju Eye Communications. Follow him on Twitter (@thejujueye), read his publication The Hit Job, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

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The way-too-early week 1 preview of Seattle Seahawks at Green Bay Packers — The Pack will be missing prize rookies

Posted by mrturophile on August 17, 2017
Posted in: Sports, Writing. Tagged: 1029TheGame, GoLocalPDX, Green Bay Packers, NFL, Oregon Sports News, Seahawks, Seattle PI. Leave a comment

The Green Bay Packers went defense early and often in the 2017 NFL Draft. General Manager Ted Thompson made a statement by going cornerback, safety, defensive tackle and linebacker with the Packers’ first four picks. That statement: “We need help.”

The impact of Ted’s statement moves will have to wait. Despite the Packers’ need to bolster the NFL’s 22nd-ranked defense from last year, the Packers will line up week one at home against the Seattle Seahawks (Sunday, Sept. 10) with a full complement of veteran holdovers on the defensive side of the ball.

What they won’t have are a number of rookie contributors. The Packers’ prize rookies will be mostly watching the proceedings. Read about it below:

Packers-jones-king-biegel-adams

As seen in The Hit Job, the Seattle PI, Oregon Sports News, 102.9 The Game & GoLocalPDX. 

Julian Rogers is a freelance writer, communications consultant and owner of Juju Eye Communications. Follow him on Twitter (@thejujueye), read his publication The Hit Job, or connect with him on LinkedIn.

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Greetings from New Jersey fellow Amerikans citizens

Posted by mrturophile on August 8, 2017
Posted in: humor, Writing. Tagged: Donald Trump, New Jersey, Russia, satire. Leave a comment

Donald Trump’s postcard from New Jersey gets hacked. Guess who? Read it in The Hit Job.

new-jersey-postcard-vintage-russian-flag

© julian rogers

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