mrturophile

“I downvote posts that make me click through more than once.”

Damn right, o keeper of Redditland. You could not be more righteous.

Who the fuck thinks they can abuse your good nature by asking you to click twice on a topic that is of interest to you. For free. I mean, what the fuck? Is this communist Russia of 1954? Are we all in a Reddit-themed gulag?

They violated the unspoken social contract, d’n’t they? Fuck ‘em. They need to learn. And you’re just the enlightened soul to teach ‘em. Downvote their ass!

Sure, someone wrote and published an article on a topic that is of interest to you. OK so far. They may be a total douche, but you don’t know that and you’re feeling benevolent. You click. You take that great big risk on Redditland. You’re brave. You don’t know what to expect. But you’re a trusting soul. Full of hope.

And then it happens.

Motherfucker! You have to fucking click one more fucking time to get to the full fucking article. Jesusfuckingchrist! How can they betray you so? Lo, what evil lurks in this Reddit world?

Madness.

So downvote their ass. It’s your duty. How else will they learn?

You know you’re right. You’re a busy person with a full, rich life in your mother’s basement. You don’t have fucking time to be fucking clicking — more than once — on a topic that you might want to read for free. That is far too risky.

I mean, it’s abuse, plain and simple. You’ve been wronged, clearly. One click? Maybe. Two clicks? Fuck me — no, fuck them! I won’t stand for it! There may be compensable damages in here somewhere for you.

You know the score. Never mind that someone endeavored to conceive, craft and publish content that you, apparently, found somewhat compelling. Any semi-trained monkey can do that, right? No, what really matters is what you think. The world is waiting to hear your contribution. It’s almost unfair to you that your only recourse is to pull your fingers out of your ass and lift one of them onto your mouse hovering on an upvote or downvote icon. The world should allow you to do so much more.

If only it did.

Instead, we’re left with this simmering injustice. Two fucking clicks. I get mad all over again every time I think about it. Two motherfucking clicks. And then, worst of all, someone has to actually read the content to you.

You just don’t know what kind of investment you’re making when you click on a Reddit link. It’s potential chaos. They should congratulate and thank you every time you deign to click. Really, it’s only right. When you have to click and then click again … I’m sorry, I get choked up … there, I’m better, two goddamn clicks, it might even get worse. If you are forced to confront some total fucking asshole’s written words on a screen you might even have to scroll down at some point. Insanity. What are we, gymnasts?

“Olga! Get over here. Some total fucking asshole wants us to click and scroll.”

“Shhhh. The children! How many times?”

“Twice!”

“Twice?! Omigod! Are we back in Siberia?”

As any Redditor knows, scrolling is worse than clicking. If you’ve already clicked once, the odds that you might have to scroll down go up trip- uh, doub- or something (you don’t need to be good at math to be on Reddit) if you actually have to fucking click twice.

And as we’ve clearly covered, no one should have to ever, ever click twice.

Downvote their ass, righteous Reddit filth-sitter. Pay no heed to the quality of the content; that’s just not important. No. What you need to do is assert your ego into the proceedings, and I mean now. Don’t give it too much thought. Just react. The world is a better place because you give in to your impulses. It always has been. And you know it.

Troll.

Guest blogger R.A. Stroud occasionally posts on Reddit. And then he needs a shower.